Do you know what it feels like?
by Tzarina-Alexandra
Summary: Tolys meets a mysterious woman at his new job, Natalya, whom he begins to admire. Both sad and lonely people, they find out they have many things in common and become friends. However, there are certain aspects of her life she would rather keep a secret at all costs... [Human AU] [Lietbel]
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Although he had been hired as an accountant, being the newest employee, he was being ordered around by everybody.

"Make sure to bring coffee to Miss Arlovskaya, the secretary."

He begrudgingly complied. He didn't particularly enjoy this job, or any job he had had, for that matter, but renting an apartment in Moscow is very expensive. Soon enough, he reached the secretary's office and lightly knocked on her door.

" Your coffee, Ma'am..."

"Come in already."

He was quite surprised to see that she was the same age as him. She was beautiful, too, but she had a cold and authoritative attitude.

"What is your name?"

"Tolys Laurinaitis."

"You aren't from around here, are you?"

"No, I'm from Lithuania."

"You speak Russian well..."

"I was taught in school. I learned it out of necessity."

She quickly dismissed him, not wanting to do smalltalk. Over the next few days, he tried his best to fit in the new workplace and, generally, be productive.

"... Wait, is Mr. Braginski her brother?" Tolys asked, in a conversation with a co-worker.

" Yeah and he hired her as his secretary, just like that."

"That sounds like nepotism to me..."

"Say that one more time and I'll make sure you won't last another day. " she threatened from behind.

"Uh... Sorry, ma'am..."

...

"It's like she could read minds." he added later, both worried and annoyed.

He could not deny that she was very intimidating, and so was his boss, though generally affable. To make up for his little slip-up, he worked even harder, hoping to impress his higher-ups. He went to work earlier and took on extra hours, and he worked himself to the bone, thinking he would finally be recognized. One day, he got called into his boss' office and, even though he knew he hadn't done anything wrong, he felt his heart racing.

"Sit down, Mr. Laurinaitis, this is an informal meeting."

"Excuse me?..."

"You will be promoted soon enough, but now we just want to show our appreciation for your efforts."

Much to his surprise, the secretary was there as well, congratulating him. If she hadn't spelled it out, he would have sworn that she hated him particularly, by the way she seemed to reprimand only him.

" I like your work ethic", the boss said. "that is why, upon promotion, you will receive a few extra hours and a bigger workload." he announced in an oddly cheerful tone.

He should have expected one such trap... On the bright side, he didn't have to go back and forth when going to the secretary's office, as he was now on the same floor. Although the work was getting harder, his higher-ups seemed noticeably more lenient towards him. In fact, they apperead less and less intimidating by the day, and the boss was very pleased with his work performance. The more ranks he climbed up in the company, the more often he had to see Miss Arlovskaya, and, during these short but frequent visits, he found her surprisingly relatable. He liked to believe that he could read the emotion behind her cold expression: she was tired of her job just as much, or maybe even more, but she enjoyed feeling important, so she bossed the others around. He almost caught himself admiring this mysterious woman, both intimidating and approachable at the same time. Now, he could safely say that he was equal in rank to her. The work he put into getting promoted completely wore him down, but he still hoped it was worth it.

"Do you have a lighter?" she asked during one break.

"Here you go." he gave her the lighter after having lit his own cigarette. "I didn't expect you to smoke..." he said, still surprised that she had such a casual interaction with him.

"Why? Did you think I would smell or something?"

"No, no, you smell nice!" he relied quickly, already nervous.

"... Well, with so much stress, it's either this or the bottle, and I would rather have a clear mind."

"I understand you, I've been smoking since I was 18. What else do you do to relax? I often play video games."

"Pff! How old are you?!" she mocked playfully.

"25."

"I can't believe it- we're the same age!"

He smiled, finding it quite ironic that he had this in common with the one who had been treating him as an inferior. She also smiled, involuntarily.

"You're very hard working, I appreciate that." she said, as if to maintain a formal atmosphere.

"Thank you."

He glanced at her when she kept silent. Her posture, distant gaze and her dark, long dress, lit from behind by the late autumn sunset reminded him of a film noir he had seen, but she seemed a bit more candid than the respective character. She sighed and a bit of smoke came out.

"It looks like the break is over. Go back to work." she intended to sound commanding, but it ended up only a tired request.

Tolys arrived home late at night, as usual. He went straight to his computer, put on his headphones and called his friend.

"Sorry if I woke you up, I just got home five seconds ago..."

"Oh, I'm too excited to sleep, anyway. Guess what day it is today!" said the young man, dressed from head to toe in white and red stripes, both cheeks painted the same.

"Happy birthday, Feliks!"

"Thanks!" he grinned in excitement. "Since it's also Poland's independence day, we went on the city centre to see the parade. It was great, as every other year."

"So I can see. You look very... patriotic." he commented, trying to seem happy despite his tiredness.

"Don't I always?"

"I can't believe it's already November..." he yawned. "At least one of us is having fun!..."

"It can't be that bad! It's your regular 9 to 5 job, isn't it?"

"Yeah, more like 9 to 9. I have a lot of overtime."

"Feels bad, man..."

"What do you even do for a living anyway?"

"I thought I'd already told you; I work in a bakery. Today we had huge sales. Not to brag, but the Polish flag muffins I made sold in almost no time."

"I didn't expect that, frankly..."

"Why, though?"

"I don't know, I'm too tired to think."

"If you need rest, you can log out already; we can talk tomorrow."

"Thanks. Good night."

The next morning, Tolys brought Miss Arlovskaya her coffee, more out of habit, since nobody demanded that from him anymore.

"Did you know that Lithuania has one of the highest suicide rates in the world?" she asked, completely straight-faced.

"That's quite the icebreaker!" he responded a bit dumbfounded, trying not to sound offended.

"You always look so depressed... " she simply stated without suggesting any emotion. "I would rather you didn't contribute to the statistic." she said just as stoicly.

"Erm... Thanks for the... advice?"

He somehow found her slightly out of place comment endearing. He could clearly tell that behind the mask hid some worry or, at the very least, concern. Why would she care, though? And what did she know about depression? Then, he remembered that she did seem distraught herself the previous day. She never talked to anybody, either. Maybe they really were the same deep insude: lonely and without a clear aim in life... Then, it suddenly seemed very weird to him to be thinking about this at all, so he tried to shrug it off. He met her later, during another break and he offered her his lighter.

"No, thanks, I brought my own this time."

"What is your name? I only know you as Miss Arlovskaya."

"Natalya. Yours?"

"Tolys... Is it alright if I call you Miss Natalya?"

"Whatever." she exhaled a puff of smoke.

"If you don't mind me asking... Why does your brother not have the same surname as you?"

"We're half siblings."

"Oh..." he didn't know what else to say without bringing up a touchy subject.

"Do you have any siblings?"

"I have a younger brother, he must be in his late teens... I think..."

She didn't question him further.

"I also have an older sister. She's the oldest of us three; she was born in '89. She doesn't remember much about communism, though. Anyways, she doesn't work here, but she might be happier because of it..."

She didn't speak afterwards and he remained lost in thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As they began to become more familiar, Natalya greeted him each morning with a fun fact or an anecdote, and he started to like her apparent randomness. In fact, despite her shyness and cold attitude, she could even be funny if the put her mind to it. The two of them often engaged in casual conversation, but anytime it would get a little personal, she would either change the topic or end the discussion altogether. On the other hand, she had no problem asking such questions.

"You don't socialize often with your colleagues. Do you have any friends?"

"I do have one good friend; he's from Poland."

"How did you meet?"

"…we didn't really meet. You see, we first started talking via video game forums. Nowadays we talk by video chat."

"Online friends aren't real friends." She rolled her eyes. "You never met in real life, not even once?"

"Not yet."

"For all you know, it's some old guy living in a basement."

"No, I saw him on video; he can't be older than 30."

"You got lucky, I guess…"

"I'm an adult, 'stranger danger' has nothing on me!" he smiled. "How about you, how are your friends like?"

She became visibly uncomfortable at the question. He apologized for having offended her, but she shrugged it off and changed the subject.

"Ivan reminded me to tell you this. He would like you to come spend Christmas dinner with us, if you don't have any other plans."

"Did he specifically invite me?"

"Yes, it seems like you are his favourite employee."

"I would gladly come. Aren't you going to invite your extended family, though? I don't want to be a nuisance…"

"No, it's just us. You don't have other plans, do you? Visiting your parents or anything like that?"

"Ah, no…" he said awkwardly.

"Christmas dinner it is. I'm looking forward to seeing you then."

"Me too…"

Later, Tolys phoned Feliks.

"… that's quite impressive, actually, being invited to your boss' family dinner."

"I'm a bit nervous."

"You don't have any reason to be!"

"It's very easy for you to say, you're extroverted."

"Now you're just finding excuses!" he scolded him light-heartedly. "You only have to be polite. Aside from that, it's an informal dinner, it's not like anything you say will affect your position. Plus, I thought your boss liked you…"

"You underestimate my ability to make myself awkward."

"You're exaggerating!" he laughed slightly.

"To you it seems easy, I see. You probably were one of the popular kids in school…" he replied, annoyed.

"That's a good one, Tolys! I wasn't popular at all, I played the violin, haha!"

"I didn't know you did."

"I'm going to play you something when you get home. Then you can judge my skills." He continued laughing.

"I wish I had your positive attitude, I really do."

"Nothing's stopping you! It's just a meeting with your boss. I eat dinner with my boss almost every night, for that matter."

"Weren't you working in a family-owned bakery?"

"Exactly."

Hearing his friend sigh through the phone, Feliks pressed on:

"Is there another problem, Tolys?"

"No… I mean… I already made a fool of myself. Miss Natalya now knows that I'm a lonely loser."

"Don't you speak like that! I'm sure it won't change your boss' good opinion about you or anything, whatever she may say… Then again, why do you even care?"

Tolys hesitated.

"Oh… Oh! I think I get it now!" said Feliks, more and more interested. "You…!"

"Feliks!" he said, annoyed, then ended the call.

Finally, Christmas evening came and Tolys went to Mr Braginski's house. He tried to make himself comfortable, he exchanged pleasantries and smalltalk with the hosts, then then sat down with them to eat. In contrast to her siblings, Ekaterina, the eldest of the three, said a short prayer before starting to eat. He got acquainted with her soon enough, and she seemed by far the most welcoming of the hosts.

"How do you like it in our company, Mr. Laurinaitis?"

"Overall, I've had good experiences, but… Uh… " he stammered, afraid not to displease his own boss.

"I'm sure that getting used to living in a new country must be quite stressful." reassured Ekaterina.

Although he had been living in Russia for a long time already, he didn't correct her and he was glad that she helped him out of the awkward situation. As he began to relax, he started socializing with the three, especially with Natalya, since he already felt comfortable talking to her. While eating his meal, he also watched the interactions between the siblings with great interest. Then, involuntarily, he stopped his gaze upon Natalya. She was talking to her sister, and, to his surprise, she was smiling widely and laughing heartily. In that moment she seemed more beautiful to him than ever before. He suddenly felt very happy and carefree, and he didn't allow himself enough time to even be surprised by that feeling. The party continued cheerfully for a few hours, then tensions began to arise between the siblings.

"Ivan, I told you not to!" whispered Ekaterina.

"It's a special occasion, Katyusha! Don't be such a killjoy!" he whined.

Natalya sighed in exasperation. Trying to ease the mood, but unaware of the real problem, Tolys asked casually:

"So, on what occasion was I invited?"

"Jokes on you, 'Lauri-tanis', I was trying to set you up with Natasha, ha ha ha…! "

"Ugh! How much did you even drink?!" said Natalya. "We haven't met Katyusha in a long time, could you have picked an even worse time than this?!"

"Go to sleep, Ivan." said Ekaterina, as softly as she could, before losing her patience.

"It's only 10 pm!"

A scandal inevitably ensued, leaving the guest a bit shocked. At midnight, the atmosphere was calm again.

"This is your magnificent boss, Tolys. Business man with an excellent reputation!" Natalya said bitterly. "I'm sorry you had to see that, but what has been done can't be undone… you know…"

"It's not your fault."

"I feel… exposed…" she said, putting her arms around herself and slightly shivering from the wind outside.

He tried to help her, offering his jacket, but she pushed him back.

"Don't touch me! I don't need your pity!"

"Sorry!"

He went home by taxi and reflected on what had happened. He wished he could somehow make her feel better. She had been so happy that night and it was all ruined within minutes. Far from a mysterious, distant figure and intimidating authority, she was vulnerable and she was, behind many masks, only human… Just like him. Finally, he found somebody to understand how it feels like to be alienated. Was he only thinking of her because he felt sorry for her, or because he identified with her, or was it something more… ? The thought both terrified and relieved him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The following morning, Tolys was woken up by his phone ringing. He answered the call without checking who had rung him, assuming it was Feliks.

"Isn't it like 7 am in your timezone? Why call so early?"

"Sorry if I woke you up!" answered Natalya.

"Ah! Good morning! On what occasion?"

"Well… My brother has already made his plans for the new year party, but I don't want to participate… My sister left just now… I don't have anyone to spend New Year's eve with…"

"I don't, either."

"Excelent." she said, but bit her lip in embarrassment after realizing how it sounded. "I'll see you then."

She quickly hung up. After waking up completely, he tried to process the conversation and also organize the rest of his week. He hesitated before calling Feliks. He sat at his computer desk and started the videochat, providing his friend with all the necessary context before asking for advice.

"… This kind of does sound like a date." Said Feliks. "I called it, you know!" he teased.

"What should I do?"

"Talk to her like you always do. Inevitably, you'll reach more serious subjects and you'll get to know each other."

"But she always changes the subject when we reach that point!"

"Maybe you should start first. If you open up, she might be encouraged to do so as well."

"I will try this, thanks."

"But you have to do it gradually! Please don't just come out of the blue saying you're madly in love or whatnot."

"There's a higher risk of me not saying anything at all, trust me… Why am I even asking for dating advice from you? You're single." he frowned.

"For all you know, I could have been a huge heartbreaker in the past… I'm just kidding, obviously. But this doesn't mean that I can't help you, at least in theory."

Soon enough, it was already New Year's eve. Tolys went to Natalya's home and they both went out for a walk in the city. The sun was beginning to set and the weather grew colder.

"Sorry we couldn't stay at my house, Ivan has already invited his group of friends. They're going to have a big party or something like that. Whatever it is, I don't want to stay anywhere near them."

"Where could we go?"

"I just want to walk around the city for a while."

"Sure. If you want, we could go to the city centre at midnight to see the fireworks."

They walked down the main roads, which were lighting up all at once, as the sun had just set. Once it started snowing, the streets looked full of silver and gold glitter. As they came closer to the city centre, Natalya began to talk about the famous buildings she saw, showing great interest in each of them.

"… And there's where they buried Lenin."

"That's rather odd… Other countries prefer to hide their darks spots in history."

"Why, though? However hard you try, you can't deny it. You can't undo it either. It's history, you just have to accept it. For me it's actually fascinating."

"The history of communism?"

"Yes!" she stated as if his question was absurd. "I have a collection of old Pravda newspapers."

"Why? Are you…?"

"No, I don't do politics. However, I like learning more about my past. I see that the people 50 years ago had roughly the same problems as we do. There was somebody else living in my current house; living lives just like ours. They were also people, you know? These thoughts make me feel like I belong, somehow… "

Tolys was listening eagerly.

"I went off a tangent, didn't I? I do that sometimes."

"It's alright, what you were saying was quite interesting."

When midnight came, they admired the bright and colorful fireworks, and lit up a small cake firework that they had bought on their way.

"Here's to a better year!" he said, holding up the candle.

"Cheers!"

After the crowd became smaller and smaller, they left the city centre and wandered through the narrower, poorly lit streets. They eventually reached an apartment building.

"This is where I live." he said.

"I still want to stay outside."

"Why?"

"I like the snow. Can we climb on the roof?"

"Yeah, there's an elevator."

…

"Thank you! I love this view!" she said upon arrival.

"Don't you want to go anywhere else?"

"The only places open right now are nightclubs and I'm really not in the mood for a party right now. I love standing outside alone and feeling the cold, it's so refreshing."

"We'll have to come inside, in the end."

"I plan on staying awake all night. Ivan does too, but I'm going to be both awake and sober for the rest of the night."

She eventually came inside to eat something, but afterwards they went on the balcony to smoke.

"What do you usually do on New Year's night?" she asked.

"After midnight, I usually only stay up to watch reruns on TV… "

"That's so pathetic!... Yet so relatable…"

"… Why are you staying away from your brother? Are you afraid of him? Can I help?..."

"No, he wouldn't hurt me. I just can't stand his parties with his group of 'friends'… But there was a time when we did get along!" she quickly reassured, in hopes of sounding less negativistic. "Ha ha, actually, when I was about five, I told my mom I wanted to marry my brother. Everyone present stared at me like I was crazy. I obviously didn't mean it that way, but the adults didn't understand my childish innocence. To my five year old mind, my remark meant that my brother was my best friend, that he protected me from bullies and that I would like to keep it that way."

Tolys let out a slight smile.

"Oh no, I've said too much already! Forget it!"

It was about 2 am when she decided to go home. She insisted on going by foot despite the long distance, so that she would waste much time while also being productive. Tolys was accompanying her to her door.

"Aren't you tired?" he asked her.

"No. I like taking long walks. I like this walk so much: I can go out in the dark, in the snow, all alone, and nobody can bother me. Everybody else is inside partying hard, you can see those lights through the windows."

"Doesn't that feel rather lonely, instead?"

"I'm not really all alone, am I?"

They finally reached her house and he lead her to her door.

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Yes. Thank you for coming with me here. I liked this night very much."

"Ah, Natasha, you're home!" said Ivan, opening the door.

"You haven't blacked out yet? Honestly, I'm quite impressed."

"You know… You know, for a second I panicked and thought… «Where is she, huh…?»" stammered Ivan. "Ah, look, you were with your little boyfriend, ha ha… Did you have fun?"

"We watched the fireworks." she stated stoicly, trying to hide her annoyance.

"Niiiice!... Good for you!..."

"Good night, Tolys." she said, then she eneterd the house.

He walked home just as he had come. On his way, he still called Natalya to check if she was alright, and she reassured him. By the time he got home, it was almost 6 am. He called her once more to see if she had really spent the whole night awake, but she couldn't even hear the phone because she was sound asleep. He went straight to bed when he arrived home, completely exhausted. He found the whole experience surreal, the walk in the dark, staying awake when others were sleeping or being alone when others were partying, but he particularly appreciated Natalya's attitude towards it. Outside it was snowing more heavily than before. Everybody was sleeping, and he was dreaming of her smiling in that snowy January night.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It wasn't long before the holidays were over. Everybody resumed their work and re-entered their routine.

"Are you upset?" Tolys asked Natalya, worried.

"That's just my face..." she replied in a bored tone. "... and we got back to work..."

He wanted to leave her alone, knowing she wouldn't like talking about what was wrong, but she suddenly began telling him what was in her mind.

"You know, I think today was dad's birthday."

"Why don't you call him?"

"He cut ties with us completely after having divorced my mom. But she also forbade us from ever talking to him. We were never allowed to call him 'dad'; it would be Mr. Arlovski."

"But there's no stopping you now, is it?" he asked encouragingly, but with clear doubt in his eyes.

"It's quite the long story; I don't know if you'd really like to hear it."

"I would, of course."

"My mom is, frankly, a terrible person. Because of her, none of us had a normal, stable childhood. Back in the late '80s, she married a certain Mr. Chernenko, and then Katyusha was born. As soon as the communist regime ended, she divorced him for what my sister said was no real reason. Then, she moved to Moscow with Katyusha, where she later met a man I only know as Mr. Braginski, who is Ivan's father. Then, she left him for the aforementioned Mr. Arlovski, my own dad, and we all lived in Minsk for a while. I was also very little when she divorced him as well, and the four of us left yet again, and we settled in Russia. She 'raised' us alone for the following few years, but when we were all old enough to manage living on our own, she just left. She had accumulated a lot of money from her exes, then she left her job and went far away, presumably to enjoy her newfound wealth. But I don't really care; you could say we also cut her off completely. I lived with my brother since I was a teen. He got some money from his dad and so he started his own business. I may criticize Ivan a lot, but he was the only true father figure I've ever had... And I really don't want to think about my dad, because, if he did care about me, he would have looked after me, or at the very least, sent me some college money! Maybe this is why I'm so cynical. I was raised by toxic people. I'm surrounded by toxic people. I hate my job. Then again, I'm probably a nasty person myself, so what am I complaining about...? My sister is my only good role model, I believe... She is one of those good, church-going people. I am astounded by the fact that she isn't bitter about her childhood anymore, considering that she suffered the most..."

"I'm sorry to hear you had it so rough..."

"There's nothing I could do about it..."

"... You know..." he continued after a pause. "I don't think you're a bad person. You just never got a stable, loving family..."

"That's very nice of you to say, but you're giving me too much credit..."

"Well, since you told your story, I would like to tell you mine."

"Go ahead." she said eagerly.

"I, for one, had a very normal childhood. I was raised by a good Christian family, and, objectively speaking, there was absolutely nothing going wrong. However, somewhere down the line, I got involved with the wrong people at school. I started smoking and whatnot, but I got in trouble with them. Although my life had been very good, at 18, I felt like my life was about to end, so I planned on running away, as far as possible. I wrote my parents a suicide letter and then left at night with only the clothes on me and some money. I went to Moscow. Fortunately, I knew a bit of Russian from school, but it was a while until I fully got the hang of it. I managed to go to college, but I worked part time all the way through it. Then I got here... Anyway, I was forced to start all over again. I have nobody here, and my parents think I'm long dead. Every now and then I remember this and I hate myself for it..."

"You were a depressed and anxious teen, weren't you?" she tried to encourage him. "You're not the first to have run away from home... You could call them right now and tell them you're alright."

He looked her on the eye seriously and she realized what he meant.

"... Well, I guess if it's too hard for me to talk to my dad, it's even harder for you... I'm sorry... "

"You said nothing wrong."

They kept silent for the rest of the day. He was glad, but admittedly surprised that she took initiative in sharing a deeply personal story. She, on the other hand, felt very moved by his story, finally feeling that somebody else understood her loneliness and alienation. And she found great comfort in the thought that there was somebody else who could understand having to struggle with many life regrets. Then, she thought to herself: "Did I finally let go of my mask?" She was still very scared of being vulnerable, so she started to regret having opened up. However, she followed the advice she had initially given to Tolys, as she half said it to herself.

"Hello? Dad, is this your number?"

"Natalya?"

"I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

"Oh, thank you so much, I expected you to have forgotten..."

"I was angry at you for leaving, but today I really missed you..."

"You know, I still live in my old apartment in Minsk. You can come anytime you wish. I think you're old enough to come without mom's permission."

"Yes." she let out a half-hearted smile.

"I'm glad you called, Natalya!"

"Me too..."

After ending the call, she started crying a bit, but she was ultimately happy that she was able to get over her fear.

A few days later, after Tolys gathered enough courage, he asked her:

"Hi, Natalya! I was wondering if... you'd like to... you know... Would you like to go on a date?... Or something like that...?

She had been determined to refuse him at all costs, because she really didn't want anyone knowing all of her vulnerabilities. And although she desperately needed somebody, she wanted only to isolate herself more and more. But she didn't. It was as if her weak heart took over her mind, because she answered:

"Sure, I would love to!"

She almost couldn't believe herself. All she wanted was to be able not to feel anything at all, so that she could never suffer again. On the other hand, maybe it was high time that she let down her guard once in a while. Maybe she had already tried being a human robot, but it didn't help her out of her misery. Why would she bring another sad soul into her life, though? On the other hand, why not? They might be happy together.

After having had her internal argument, she went out with him, only a few hours later.

"You know, I almost didn't come." she said, smiling.

"Why?" he said, wondering whether he had done something to upset her.

"I was feeling extremely anxious about being in a relationship..."

"Is this your first date, too?"

"No, but I wish it was." she said bitterly.

"Is it too much if I ask you why?"

"No, I needed to get this off my chest one time or another. Up until about last autumn I was dating some American guy. There's no way you'd know him, but, anyways, his name was Alfred. It wasn't even a particularly long-lived relationship, but I still ended up suffering a lot because of it. Alfred was a traveler then. I don't know what he actually did for a living, but he said something about being an exchange student. We got along well, and he was the first guy who gave me attention, so I thought he actually loved me. Everything was fine until he cheated on me with a random Asian girl. I don't remember where she was from but I couldn't care less. Then, to top it all off, he told others I was the crazy ex! I've seen him on social media a few days ago and felt my blood boil. It seems like he traveled all over the 'Eastern' countries only to break some hearts along the way."

Tolys expressed his clear disgust towards Alfred's behavior.

"I'm sorry I told you this." she said. "It's only our first date and I already bring you into my drama..."

"It's ok."

"Well, coming back to what I said the last time, I really am surrounded by toxic people. I didn't want to trust anybody after this break-up."

"Why did you trust me enough to tell me all about it, then?"

"You always treated me well. We've been friends for a while, haven't we?"

He was glad to hear that.

"I promise you I will never let you down!" he said, feeling unusually confident.

She found that truly heartwarming, although she had wanted not to believe him. But she did. And suddenly, forgetting all of her self imposed barriers, she decided to open her heart again. She smiled at him candidly, slight tears in her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to offer her the stable, loving home she never had, but always yearned for...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The sun set early, as it was still winter. After having finished work, Tolys checked his phone only to find dozens of missed calls from his friend.

"Sorry I didn't answer the phone, I had it turned off! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah but I've been roaming the streets for a few hours and I think I got lost..."

"Don't you have a GPS on your phone?"

"Well, I could use it if I knew where you lived."

"... You're in Moscow right now?!"

"Surprise! Can you give me your address, please? I can manage on my own afterwards."

"Yeah, of course. Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

"Don't worry about it."

After a while, Feliks arrived at his friend's apartment, looking obviously exhausted.

"Why didn't you wait for me?" Tolys asked.

"I stayed in the airport for a while, but it was starting to get a little weird. If I wasn't clean looking, with my violin case and all, people would have probably assumed I was homeless or something. I started walking around the city, but I got lost."

"Are you okay now? Sorry I didn't answer the phone..."

"Yeah, don't stress over it. I'm just glad I came."

"Me too... But I'm not sure where you're going to sleep, since I only have one bed. My apartment is kind of small..."

"I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor, it's not like it's my first time, ha ha!"

Tolys looked at him in concern, but didn't have the time to question him about it.

"So, do I look like you expected me to?"

"We could literally see each other on camera."

"I know, but, for example, you're way taller than I imagined."

"Well, that only means you're too short." he teased, ostentatively looking down at him.

"Very funny." he grinned. "Can I have something to eat? I'm a bit hungry. You know, snacks on the plane and on the airport are overpriced to say the least."

"Go ahead."

"Ugh... You only have junk food in your fridge. Do you never eat cooked meals? "

"Not really."

"No problem, I'm going to cook something tomorrow. Oh, yes, I already know what I'm going to do. Mom taught me this recipe."

"...Is she really your mother?"

"No, I just say that out of habit. They're like my adoptive parents, though. But they didn't actually adopt me, because I was already 18 by the time I met them."

"What do you mean?" Tolys asked, genuinely surprised. "Where are your real parents?"

"Ha, good question! I do think they are alive, but they probably couldn't care less. Or they're in prison, whichever comes first."

"You were a foster kid?"

"Yeah."

"How can you say that with such a neutral expression?"

"I resigned a long time ago. Now I have the family I always needed. I'm content with my life, really."

Tolys really pondered upon his words before starting to speak again. As he couldn't bring himself to let his friend sleep on the floor, he let Feliks take his bed, and then arranged a mattress out of several blankets.

"How's life going for you, Tolys?"

"Very good, actually. Natalya and I started dating."

"I'm so glad to hear that!" he grinned childishly. "I was rooting for you."

"Thanks."

"You know, I also do wedding cakes."

"I'll remember that when the right time comes."

Later, Feliks got his violin out of its case.

"Is it okay if I play something, or will I bother the neighbours?"

"It'll be way better than any music they ever play, that's for sure."

"I mostly only know classical music. My favourite is Chopin."

"Just don't play anything depressing."

"Sure thing."

While he was playing the violin, they kept talking about different things, without him getting distracted.

"What other friends do you have at home?" asked Tolys.

"I get along with everybody, really, but my circle of true friends isn't that big. The people working at the bakery are like a family to me. Aside from them, I keep in touch with you and an old friend of mine, Erzsébet. We've known each other for a long time, during one of my first travels abroad. There was a classical music concert and I asked her whether they would also play some of Liszt's music, but, instead of answering, she got really offended over the fact that I pronounced the composer's name incorrectly. Then I told her: «It's not my fault that in Polish the 'sz' is pronounced as a 'sh'!». Then, we became friends. She is kind of temperamental, but we do get along well. Oh, and, another time, she was arguing with some guy named Vlad, I think, about some conflict their countries had been involved in. Then, I told her: «You should let it go, this happened more than a hundred years ago. You don't see me arguing with every German and Russian I meet...!». It's been a while since I visited her and..."

"Is she your girlfriend?" Tolys teased.

"No!" Feliks said very seriously, as if he was offended. "She's married, you potato head! I mean... She was... It's complicated..."

"Well, doesn't that mean that you...?"

"No, I actually encourage her to get back with her husband. It was just a misunderstanding, as far as I know... And I'm appalled by the fact that you'd imagine me acting so selfishly."

"I'm sorry! Forget what I said."

"...Let's change the subject. What am I going to do tomorrow while you are at work?"

"It depends. There are a lot of museums, for example. Or you could go to the theatre if you're interested. You can't get bored if you go through the city centre. You're bound to find something. Afterwards, you can come with me and Natalya."

"I wouldn't want to be the third wheel..."

"You won't. I'm sure she'll be glad to meet you, too."

The following day, they all minded their own business, either at work or around the city, and, finally, the three of them met in the evening. After becoming acquainted, the three of them held a friendly conversation.

"Look!" said Natalya. "This is a photo of me in high-school. This navy blue dress is the exception, as I used to wear only black. Then I got into the Japanese Lolita fashion, and wore these kinds of dresses everywhere. Frankly, those were the only things that made my insecure teen self feel beautiful."

"You're still very beautiful." said Tolys.

"Oh, you!" she smiled.

They had continued talking for a while, also trying to include Feliks. At the end of the evening, Tolys accompanied Natalya on her way home.

"We won't be meeting this weekend, because I'm going to Minsk to visit my dad." she said.

"That's okay. Actually, I'm happy for you."

While he was dragging along behind them, Feliks received a phone call. The other two only heard:

"Really? This is great news!... Of course I will!... Oh, it's really nothing, anything for a friend... I'm very happy for you guys, I really am..."

After having finished the call, he explained:

"Tolys, I'm only going to be staying here for the weekend. It appears I'm going to be very busy for the next few weeks."

"How so?"

"Well, Erzsébet and her ex solved their differences and now they're getting married again, so she invited me to be their best man. I'm honestly glad that everything ended up well."

Tolys was confused, but impressed by the fact that Feliks didn't seem the slightest bit jealous. However, he was proud of both of them; of his friend that he was able to move on and for Natalya that she tried to mend the relationship with her father. As much as he admired their initiatives, he didn't want to think about his family and the past, because he would rather start over and invest in the new relationship he had.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Spring finally came and Natalya seemed happier than ever. She was noticeably friendlier towards her co-workers and she was surprisingly talkative. Sometime in May, she went out with Tolys yet again, prepared to tell him something that had been on her mind.

"I'm going to say something really personal and important." she said nervously.

"Of course." he said encouragingly.

"Last autumn was the lowest point in my life. I had decided not to trust anybody ever again after my break-up and I tried to isolate myself from everybody. Somewhere along the line, I met you and I suspected that you had a little crush on me, but I totally refused to believe it. I managed to convince myself that I will never be loved by anybody and that I will never be happy. However, when I finally opened up to you, I felt like I was understood and accepted. You… You actually made my life better…"

"That's the biggest compliment anyone ever gave me!... You know, I feel the same. I'm so happy with you."

"I love you so much!" she said, her voice trembling slightly.

"I love you too."

She let a tear fall down her cheek.

"Why are you crying?" he became worried.

"It almost seems like this is too good to be true…"

"I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." he reassured her with a hug.

"You're the best boyfriend in the whole world, do you know that?" she smiled widely, and he smiled too.

He also felt very happy that his feelings were reciprocated, especially considering the fact that this was his first love.

Each time they went out, she held his hand very tightly, as if fearing he would disappear into thin air. However, she managed to get rid of those thoughts after a while. She was now very warm and affectionate towards him, even calling him pet names in his own language.

"My dear Tolutis!" she pinched his cheeks playfully. "You have the most adorable face. I love your green eyes." She stared at him lovingly, then kissed him quickly.

He was slightly taken aback, but glad nonetheless. Later that day, she spoke to her sister.

"… Today I even kissed him. It was totally on impulse, though. I hope it wasn't inappropriate… But we've been together for a while. I love him so much."

"I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you. Katyusha, why don't you have a boyfriend? If I managed to find somebody who isn't put off by my weirdness, then you could have found someone a long time ago. You're such a good person."

"I'm happy with my life despite being alone."

"What about Matthew?"

"I rejected him from the beginning."

"Why?"

"The situation seemed way to similar to the one with Alfred. I thought that would save me from suffering. Anyway, it's too late. I recently saw a photo of Matthew and his new girlfriend. I'm not really upset, though."

"If you say so…"

In late June, Tolys invited Natalya for a fancy dinner. She was almost sure she knew why, but she waited as patiently as she could.

"Ever since I came here, I felt out of place. Whatever I did and no matter how often I would change jobs or apartments, I still couldn't feel like home. But you know what they say «Home is where your heart is». And ever since we've been together, I finally felt like I belonged."

"I feel the same way." she said, smiling. "All my life I've wanted to have a family unlike my own, but I felt like I couldn't ever be loved by anyone. But now I found you and I'm happier than ever. "

"… Will you marry me, Natalya?"

"Yes!"

They organized the wedding quickly, inviting only their immediate family members, a few friends and a few co-workers. Natalya even invited her dad, but it was Ivan who walked her down the aisle. Ekaterina was the Bridesmaid and Feliks was the best man. The wedding took place in late July, after her 26th birthday and it was small and pleasant. At the party, Natalya was overjoyed, dancing energetically and chatting with every guest.

"Are you okay?" asked her sister. "You seem a bit agitated."

"I've never been better! Why don't you go talk with the others? Don't be shy, have some fun!"

Natalya went on to dance with her groom, and Ekaterina wandered around until she met Feliks, then they started talking.

"… What do you do for a living?" she asked.

"I work in family owned bakery. We also make cakes and other desserts."

"That's incredibly nice. It sounds like an interesting job to me."

"The atmosphere is the best, really. I feel like in a family."

"I like the idea of owning a small business. It sounds ideal. I, for one, work in an office. It's a good job, but it's kind of boring."

"What hobbies do you have?"

"I love gardening. Actually, if I moved far from the city, I can even imagine myself buying a small farm. Living the simple life, you know…"

Feliks eventually had to leave her table to go play some tunes on the violin. Natalya whispered to Tolys, lightly laughing:

"Have you seen Katyusha chatting with Feliks?"

"It's too soon to jump to conclusions." he said, smiling.

The wedding ended late at night and everybody went to their respective homes or hotel rooms. The newlyweds had already planned to go on their honeymoon in Finland, hoping to find more Russian speakers than elsewhere. Until then, they went home. She had brought all of her belongings in the morning. In the one bedroom apartment there was a wardrobe with all of his clothes and in small boxes beside it were her clothes and stacks of old newspapers, photos and other knick-knacks and communist memorabilia.

"This is your home now. I hope it isn't too small for you…" he said.

"It's perfect the way it is."

He went to bed the way he was dressed, being very tired. She took a small pill with a glass of water, then went to bed as well.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Nothing!" she said defensively. "I can't sleep because I'm too excited, that's all…"

"Okay… Good night, dear."

"Good night."

He didn't press her on, but he couldn't shake the feeling that she was hiding something from him.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Their first few months had been very pleasant and carefree, but he started to notice a few problems, which she avoided addressing.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asked her one night.

"I can't sleep."

"Didn't you have to take one of those pills?"

"No. What pills? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm perfectly healthy."

Indeed, she had been alright until late autumn and early winter. The initial excitement she had on her wedding day gradually wore off, but she was generally happy. Tolys wouldn't have been worried either if not for Natalya's sudden moodiness, but she easily found excuses such as the lack of sun during the cold seasons.

One day in early December, she lay down, holding both arms around herself as if in pain.

"What happened?"

"I'm a bit sick, but it's nothing unusual... Don't stress over it."

"We have to go to work in half an hour."

"Then you go alone." she sighed. "I need some rest."

"Are you going to be alright?" he said, already very worried.

"Yeah, it's just a bad stomach ache."

He was left to his own interpretation.

They had Christmas dinner together with her family again, and this time Ivan didn't disturb them. However, at one point, Natalya went to talk to Ekaterina in private. Tolys could swear he heard her crying from the other room, and he stared in confusion at Ivan, but he seemed unfazed, as if he got used to his sister behaving so oddly.

"Are you okay?..." Tolys asked her when she came back.

"Yeah, nothing happened."

Ekaterina looked at her in disappointment. They all met again on New Year's eve, and, when they made sure that they weren't heard by anyone else, the three siblings had quite a heated argument. To cover up for it, Ivan took the blame upon himself, apologizing for having drunk during their family meeting, then he went to bed early.

Natalya didn't go to work during the whole month of January, because of very vague health reasons, which Ivan apparently knew about already. Every now and again, Ekaterina would come visit her, but she would spend most of her days alone, lying in bed and doing nothing. Tolys was extremely worried about her, but, despite asking her everyday how she felt, she refused to tell him exactly what was wrong. All of that stress and confusion completely wore him down, but he tried his best to comfort her. She seemed unmotivated to do anything, and, most of all, very sad. He felt rather guilty, imagining that he somehow upset her with something, but she, despite not showing it, saw him as the only ray of sunshine she had left.

"I hate the noise that the neighbour's kids make." she sighed in annoyance one night.

"All babies are like that, aren't they? I thought you did want children..."

"...I wouldn't be annoyed by my own, obviously... I'm just in a bad mood, I guess..."

He tried his best to make her feel better, but he was increasingly frustrated by the fact that she didn't trust him enough to tell him what was wrong. As doubt crept into his mind, he thought that they no longer understood each other and he felt lonely for a moment. Nonetheless, he took care of her, also determined to learn the truth.

"How about we go out to see a movie?" he suggested one day.

"I don't want to get out of the house..."

"That's okay, we can watch a film on my computer."

He deliberately chose the sappiest chick flick, hoping to improve her mood. As many such romantic comedies end, the movie closed with a frame of the main couple and their very young children. Despite the happy ending, Natalya began to cry, which left Tolys confused. However, he managed to piece together some parts of the puzzle that was her behavior the last few months.

"I'm so sorry, my dear..." he hugged her. "You should have told me earlier, I might have been able to help you more..."

"...If I take after my own mom, which, unfortunately, I do, then I'd be a bad mother myself, anyway... Forget it, I'll be over it soon enough..."

"You scared me, though. I almost thought you suffered from some terminal disease..."

"I don't. Maybe I was a bit too dramatic, though..."

"You are allowed to grieve, you know..."

Just as she said, she was feeling well, or at least normal, when spring came. Everything seemed as usual again, and Tolys was willing to set aside her odd behavior as an exception, but, as they approached summer, she became very irritable out of the blue. She got easily excited about the smallest things, but even more easily annoyed by even smaller things. He then suspected that her secret was something else entirely, so he eventually confronted her.

"What are you hiding from me? Everytime I ask you if you're fine, you say you are, but you've been acting very weird lately and I'm a bit worried. Why don't you trust me enough to just tell me?! It's not like I wouldn't understand... Unless, of course, you already have somebody else!..."

"How dare you assume that?!" she said, then slapped him across the face.

He was very shocked by her reaction, but he just meekly said:

"... I'm sorry for saying that last thing..."

"I didn't mean to do it!" she said, as if surprised by herself.

She continued to act much the same way throughout the following month, being very impatient and easily distracted, even at work. She was in a good disposition only during her birthday and their first anniversary, but then went on being annoyed by everything and anyone afterwards. One day, she was sitting at a table in the corner of the so-called living room, struggling to read a book. Tolys came from the other corner of the apartment, next to the bookshelf, trying to talk to her about the whole situation, once and for all.

"Natalya, this is very serious. You've been acting oddly, and you're hiding something from me. Whatever it is, your siblings seem to know already. Please listen to my side, if you don't think I'd understand you. I hate living in confusion like that. We don't understand each other anymore, and that's only because you refuse to talk to me. Moreover, you send me mixed signals: one day you're lovey dovey and the others you casually hit me with your elbow or tread on my foot for having said something you didn't like!"

She let the hardcover book down on the table, then picked it up again, making a great effort to concentrate on what she was reading.

"I understand that you suffered, and, if you had told me, I would have been able to comfort you. However, nowadays I feel like you don't care what I feel! I did my best to try to make you happier, but when I was sad or distraught, I didn't get any reassurance at all. Instead, you treat me like a nuisance!"

"... I've been reading the same row for the past half hour! I'm trying so hard to concentrate and you just don't shut up!" she said and, in a fit of anger, threw her book in his direction, but regretted it instantly.

The book flew across the room and fell on his head. He let out a cry of pain before he fell to the floor. She ran towards him in panic, repeating "I'm sorry!" more and more desperately. A few other books had fallen from the shelf, so one could have assumed it had been an accident.

Before making the emergency call, she knelt beside him, trying to wake him up. She just sat there, frozen in shock, not knowing what to do. Then, she saw some blood dripping down his forehead...


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The minutes until the ambulance arrived seemed like an eternity to her. She was too incoherent when trying to explain the situation to the medics, so they weren't able to find out the cause of the injury, but they did notice all of the books fallen from the shelf. In the end, she was not allowed to come with them at the hospital because of the scandal she had made. Being left alone in the house, she began crying desperately.

Then, all of the possible negative thoughts flooded her mind. She went to the bathroom to wash her face, but ended up staring at herself in the mirror.

"I'm... a monster..."

She looked at her pale face, her red, swollen eyes, with bags under them, and her disheveled hair. She pursed her lips in disgust and imagined herself posing for a mugshot. She left the bathroom and went back to the living room, but she restlessly moved around every few minutes.

"What if he dies?!" she said to herself, standing up suddenly. "I can already imagine the headline: «27 year old woman kills her husband during an argument». But it wasn't on purpose!" she said out loud. "I'll have to write the article myself, then." she walked around the room aimlessly, finally grabbing a piece of paper and writing: «I swear it was only an accident. I wasn't aiming for the head. I wasn't even aiming to hit him. I never wanted to hurt him. I was totally on impulse. I swear I didn't mean it.»

She tossed the papers aside, in defeat.

"What am I? A domestic abuser?!... A... murderer?!"

She panicked as she said those words, feeling very disgusted, yet shocked by herself. "I can't live with myself like that!... Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital... If he dies, I'm throwing myself out the window... Head first!" she said, then pinched herself. "Wait... What if he doesn't?..."

She stood up again, spinning around the house.

"Then, I'll try my hardest to make everything right again. I'll apologize to him. I'll explain the whole situation. I'll take my pills again. I'll even see a therapist. I'll finally be a good wife!" she said, getting excited for a moment, then becoming hopeless again.

She looked at the time and noticed that there were more than 12 hours until the morning, when she would be allowed to visit him at the hospital.

"If I don't manage to sleep tonight, I'm really going to go insane..." she thought to herself as she searched for her sleeping pills which she had hidden somewhere.

Fortunately, she did fall asleep and didn't wake up until late in the morning. She made a great effort to look presentable when going to the hospital. She felt her legs becoming limp as she walked down the endless hallway. She met one of the doctors while on her way.

"Is he...?" she asked, feeling short of breath.

"He is alive. However, he suffered a cranial fracture. "

"... Fracture?" she bit her nails.

"But no brain damage."

"...Am I allowed to...?"

"Yes, you can visit him already."

"Thank you..." she whispered.

She felt her fingers trembling as she opened the door. She knelt beside the hospital bed and waited anxiously for him to wake up. When he was finally awake, he told the doctors that the injury was because of an accident, and he conjured an event in which several books fell off the top shelf. She was surprised that he covered the whole thing up, but she was secretly glad. While being hospitalized, he refused to speak to her beyond a few formalities, partly as to avoid any suspicion.

They finally went home, but he still had his head wrapped in bandages.

"Tolutis, dear, I'm so happy that you're feeling better now!" she said, holding his hand, but he pulled back from her.

"Don't you «Tolutis, dear» me, as if nothing happened!"

"I thought you weren't mad at me anymore... You know, since you didn't say anything at the hospital... And you covered it up as an accident..."

"That doesn't mean I'm not mad at you! I just don't want you to end up in prison... "

She wanted to thank him for helping her, but she realized it was more important to apologize first.

"I'm so sorry about having hit you. I didn't mean to, I swear! I was angry and I didn't think things through. Please believe me!" she said quickly, without catching her breath.

"That was the last straw! You've been treating me very poorly, and I've let it pass, but this crosses the line. Fights between couples are normal but this...! Ending up in hospital because of one is not normal, Natalya! I'm not having anymore of this one-sided and, frankly, abusive relationship!"

"What do you mean one-sided?!" she said, her face becoming pale. "I've loved you since the beginning and I still do!"

"Do you really?! You don't trust me, you hide deep, dark secrets from me. I spent out all of my energy trying to make you happy, but instead, you treated me like a pain in the neck. You couldn't care less what I felt all this time! But I'll tell you right now, because I can't take it anymore! I took care of you as well as I could, because I love you, but I'm only human! You left me very confused, needlessly worried and doubtful. I oftentimes felt neglected, even lonely. There were days when I needed someone to listen and to comfort me. There were days when I felt exhausted, but I sucked it up each time, because I didn't want to burden you with my own problems when you were suffering. Instead, you acted as if I were the burden itself! You are the only one I've ever loved, but you threw it all away!" he shouted, already crying.

She stared at him in shock, firstly because she hadn't expected him to be so unhappy, and secondly because she never got to see him cry before.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" she cried, too, her chest aching from the guilt.

He started packing his bags.

"No! Don't leave me, I'll do anything, I promise!"

"This relationship has left me with both a broken heart and a broken skull. I think it's better for my own physical and mental health if I leave..."

They both forced themselves to calm down and went through with the divorce. He only took what he was able to carry in his travel bag, leaving all the rest to her, including the apartment. He also paid the hospital bill out of his own pocket.

"I'll miss you so much..." she said, holding back tears.

"Me too..." he said, remembering the good times they had had.

"Is there... even the slightest chance that we'll ever get back together?"

"Only if you treat me the way you did when we were happy. You changed for the worse since then..."

She wanted to confess to him the secret and explain the whole situation, but she held back, as she felt it was already too late. They hugged and said their goodbyes.

"Go see a therapist or something, please." he told her.

"Yeah... I will..."

He boarded the first plane to Warsaw, despite the fact that it was already night. Right before taking off, he called his friend.

"Feliks, could you do me a favor?"

"Sure, anything."

"Can you wait for me at the airport? The plane arrives at about 3 am."

"I will. Why are you coming here so suddenly, in the middle of the night?"

"I went through a very rough divorce..."

"What happened?!" he said, his eyes wide.

"I'll tell when I get there... I'm so tired..."

Meanwhile, Natalya called her sister.

"Katyusha, please come at my place, I need your help."

"Isn't Tolys there with you?"

"No, he left... for good..."

After she hung up the phone, she cried her heart out until her sister finally arrived. She explained to her the situation when she managed to calm down.

"...You did what?"

"I threw the book at his head, but I'm not usually violent, you know that!" she said in a panic.

Ekaterina held her head in her palms, trying to think the whole mess through, then she appeared to have understood.

"...Did you forget to take your pills again?" she said as calmly as she could.

"... Not forget... I just didn't take them at all..."

"Why?!"

"I don't know!... I didn't want him to judge me, you know?! I mean, I didn't want him to think I was crazy or something!"

"Oh, Natasha..."

"I know, I know, I blew it! I made him think exactly that! He thinks I hate him now..." she started crying again. "I single-handedly ruined the only loving relationship I've ever had!"

Ekaterina hugged her sister and comforted her as well as she could.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

When he arrived, late at night, Tolys told Feliks everything that happened, starting from the reason he had his head bandaged.

"I'm sorry fot you, man... From what you told me the last time, I didn't think it was that bad..."

"I didn't, either..."

"Can I help you with anything?"

"I just need a place to stay at."

Feliks let him stay in his room, and he brought an inflatable mattress for himself.

"Your room is bigger than my living room..."

"Mom and dad bought this two story house when they opened their bakery. They got a loan, but we're getting close to paying it off."

"That's very nice... You know, I left for good. I even quit my job. I can help you around here, maybe I could clean the floors or something. I don't want to sit around, because that way I'll only wallow in my own misery."

"I wouldn't make you a janitor, you're my friend."

"Well, I can't cook."

"You could be a cashier. Dad's got enough work as it is. Or maybe a waiter. There's a little terrace where people eats desserts."

"Sounds convenient, I guess..."

Ekaterina stayed with her sister several weeks, until she was sure she was able to manage on her own. She even found her a therapist.

"You know, one day or another, you'll have to tell him the truth..."

"Let me suffer in peace, Katyusha!... You could tell him, you have a very profesional way of speaking. I promise I won't get mad."

"Alright. I'm proud of you, you're already making steps forward."

"It doesn't feel like it, but thanks for being nice to me..."

She proceeded to call Tolys.

"Katyusha? On what occasion?"

"Just keeping you updated."

"Why didn't Natalya call me herself?" he asked, concerned.

"She's not feeling well enough, and she let me tell you what she was going to tell you."

"Is she very sick?"

"She's never been so depressed in her life."

He became worried upon hearing that, even more so, when thinking of the implication that she had been depressed more than once.

"I'm sorry to hear that... What was it that she told you to tell me?"

"The big secret and her unusual behavior, it all has an explanation. You see, those symptoms started when she was in her early twenties. So, when she was about 22, she was diagnosed as bipolar, and so was Ivan. She had been taking her medication quite regularly, more or less because I kept nagging her. In this respect, it was Ivan who was a bad influence on her. This is also why we all had an argument when we met on New Year's eve. From what she told me, she stopped taking her meds altogether after you got married because she became very self-conscious about it. She thought you would judge her for having this particular mental illness. So what you witnessed were, in order, a depressive episode accompanied by her own grief, then, according to her, the worst manic episode she has ever had to date. I hope I didn't lose you along the way."

"No, I have heard of this before. I have only a vague idea about it, but I'll inform myself more. Thank you for telling me this."

"You're welcome. Be sure to call her later, please."

"I will."

He got initially upset that she hadn't trusted him enough to tell him, but then he thought more about what he learned, and suddenly everything made sense. He did call Natalya not long afterwards.

"How are you feeling today?"

"I've hit rock bottom and I can't get up."

"I'm very sorry to hear that... Katyusha called me, and she told me everything."

"You don't think I'm crazy, do you?"

"I know better than to say that! If you had told me then, I wouldn't have judged you."

"I'm sorry I lied to you. I made a really stupid decision, I'm sorry. It's only my fault. I really hate myself right now..."

"Don't say that, please."

"Will you ever forgive me?"

"Yes..."

"Are you coming back? I promise I'll change."

"Not anytime soon... For now, you have your sister to take care of you. Take your time. Most importantly, please take care of yourself..."

He hung up, then she began crying, but, deep inside, she was glad that he cared about her enough to call her and tell her those last words.

Tolys began working as a cashier at the bakery and he wore a cap at all times, so that his wound wouldn't be seen. Feliks had taught him every Polish expression he was supposed to use, and he tried to help him anytime he got in an awkward situation.

"There are a lot of children coming here lately."

"The school year started about a week ago."

"I can't believe it's already September!"

Tolys manged to fit in quite well with the others, and he got along well with the other people working at the bakery.

"I'm glad that you brought your friend here, Feliks" said his 'dad'. "It's important to be there for your friends when they are suffering. Which reminds me of that Proverb: «A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.»"

"I'm doing my best to help him. After all, he is like a brother to me... Am I right, Tolys?"

"Yeah..." he replied rather absent-mindedly.

"Are you okay?"

"I remembered something... I used to have a brother..."

"Used to? What happened?"

He ended up telling them how he ran away from home, and the rest of his life from that point.

"... And my brother must be in college right now, if I remember correctly."

"You should go home." the old man advised.

"I can't... I mean not right now."

They left him alone afterwards.

One day, he heard the following conversation:

"...You're turning 30 this autumn!"

"Mom, we've talked about this before; I'm never going to get married. It's not for everyone, and certainly not for me..."

"You had somebody you used to talk to, what about her?..."

"We don't talk anymore..."

"Why?"

Tolys, who happened to be in the same room, intervened:

"You broke up with Katyusha?!"

"It can't be called a break-up if we weren't dating in the first place! We were just talking over the phone... But now we don't."

"Is this about me and Natalya?"

"Yes, kind of..."

"Did you also tell that to Katyusha?"

"I may have not chosen my words very wisely, but..."

"I can't believe you did this!"

"I know I messed up, you don't have to make me feel even worse about it."

"I'm not letting you ruin your relationship because of my failed one."

"It was more like a friendship, if anything..."

"You can't fool me. I remember how you talked about her."

"... There's nothing I can do about it now! She's already busy taking care of her sister, I can't bother her." he said to his friend. "I blew it again, and I'm sorry. I hope you understand now, mom..." he said to the old woman, in a disappointed tone.

However hard he wanted to ignore the problem, Feliks ended up following his friend's advice. He swallowed his pride and called her.

"Sorry if I'm bothering you."

"You're not."

"I just wanted to apologize for having offended you. I assumed and I generalized. And I was rude, both to you and Natalya. But I was genuinely worried, considering what Tolys had been through recently. I guess I... was scared of being in a relationship... either because of my own or other's bad experiences. I'm sorry for what I said, though."

"I forgive you... I was really mad at you at first, then I suddenly remembered something and I felt a bit like a hypocrite. About two years ago, Natalya dated an American guy, who ended up breaking her heart. It just so happened that I had met both him and his brother, during a travel of mine, and I exchanged a few conversations with the brother, whose name was Matthew. When I heard about my sister's break-up, I completely cut ties with him, not wanting to trust him, only because of what his brother had done. So, I guess we're even. We've both been needlessly judgmental." she said, smiling at the irony. "I won't be able to come visit you at all, though. I have to take care of my sister."

"Tell Feliks to say hi to Tolys, please!" Natalya was heard from the background.

"There you go. Please send our regards to Tolys."

"I will." he said, as seriously as he could, holding in laughter.

He did tell his friend everything, barely containing his excitement.

"... Oh, and Natalya says hi."

"I should call her, too... I'm very happy for you and Katyusha, though."

"Oh, it's nothing that serious..." he said, slightly embarrassed. "... Yet." he added after his friend frowned at him.

Tolys felt really happy that at least someone in that room had been able to mend a relationship. Then, he was unable to sleep at night, only thinking about his family and his ex-wife and what he was supposed to do to make things right...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It was mid November, and Tolys was helping Feliks hang a big Polish flag at the entrance of the bakery.

"Happy birthday!"

"Thanks."

"I see that you're very festive, you and your family."

"... You didn't use to do things like that when you were home?"

"Sometimes... Not that I cared about it at the time..."

He became sad and lost in thought everytime he remembered his family.

Feliks and his parents went to church each Sunday, and Tolys went with them, although used to working every day of the week. On days such as these, he thought about his life. He was still bitter about the divorce, wondering how she could hurt the only one she loved and the only one who loved her. Then, he stopped his train of thought, realizing that he had done just the same once. His parents cared for him so much, yet he caused them so much grief. Suddenly trying to pay attention to the service, he heard, quite ironically, the parable of the prodigal son, which he knew from his childhood. He began thinking about his life. Then, for the first in maybe years, he prayed, only a few sentences, asking for forgiveness. It was the first time in almost ten years that he didn't feel guilt anymore.

He told Feliks about it, but he didn't stay with him any longer, rushing to sort out the trouble he had put his family through once and for all. He was both very excited and very scared, but he went to Vilnius as soon as he could. The first thing he did after arriving to the airport was to search where his brother studied, and where the campus would be. After finding the university, he searched every campus, asking anyone he could.

"I'm looking for somebody. His name is Raivis..." he said, catching his breath after walking around all those halls.

"I have a roommate named Raivis, he might be the one you're looking for." said one of the students. "Wait..." he began suspecting him. "You're way older than us. I hope you're not going to snitch on us! We didn't break the fence, it was that way when we found it, I swear!..."

"I'm just looking for my brother..."

"He didn't say anything about siblings."

"Figures..." he whispered.

The student knocked on his door and shouted:

"Raivis! Somebody wants to see you!"

"Tell him I didn't break the fence... It was an accident!"

"No, no, he says you're his brother."

"What?!... Eduard, if this is one of your pranks again, I'll...!" he mumbled as he opened the door, then he froze in shock, turning white as a sheet, then fainted.

"What did you ever do to him?!" panicked Eduard.

"Long story..."

When he woke up and convinced himself that he wasn't dreaming, he started shouting:

"I thought you were dead! It's been almost ten years, where have you been?!"

Tolys tried to explain the whole situation without wasting any time.

"I'm still mad at you! You scared the life out of me!"

"I don't blame you. Will you help me, though?"

"You can stay with us, if you find any space left to sleep on."

The following day, he asked Raivis to call his parents, to which he hesitantly agreed.

"Hi, mom, dad!"

"Hi, sweetie, how's school?"

"Hard, as usual. Anyway, I wanted to tell you something very important. Last night I saw Tolys..."

"Oh..." she sighed mournfully. "I also dream about him sometimes. It's alright, we all miss him."

"No, you don't get it." he said, increasingly stressed out. "I actually met him. He was alive all of this time..."

His mother hung up the phone immediately.

"Now's the moment of truth: we have to go home."

Raivis entered the house first, then Tolys, feeling his legs numb as he came closer.

"I'm so sorry..."

He expected his parents to get angry at him, but they both hugged him tightly, and all the four of them ended up crying. He eventually told them everything. They forgave him and decided to start over. He moved in with them, stopped smoking, got a job, and, finally, his life came back to normal.

He began texting Natalya regularly.

"Look, these little 'Lithuanian' pills reminded me of you..." she wrote, sending him a picture of a lithium pill.

"You misspelled that intentionally." he responded. "How are you feeling nowadays?"

"Well, I'm taking care of myself, I guess..."

"I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, that means a lot."

By the end of January, her depressive episode was over, but she still felt guilty for what she had done. She thought how she acted very selfishly and how she ended up hurting all of the people she loved, not only then, but throughout her life. Usually, she would have blamed somebody or something else, but now she just said:

"God, forgive me! Please help me get my life back on track!"

Finally feeling peaceful in that turmoil, she knew what to do. Then, she talked to her sister, and packed her bags.

"Where are you going to go, though?" asked Ekaterina.

"I'm going to apologize to Tolys."

"I know, but you don't know where he is, do you?"

She asked Feliks, who only told her what he knew. She went to Vilnius, and searched for Raivis' university, not having any other landmark to go around.

"Excuse me, is there anybody with the surname Laurinaitis?... What was his name, agh?!" she whispered to herself, then searched through the notes on her phone. "Raivis?"

"His dorm is over there. Do you see the blond with the glasses? That's his roommate."

She thanked him, then went over to Eduard.

"... Wow. I'm feeling a bit of Déjà Vu right now... Come with me."

He knocked on his door yet again.

"Raivis, there's someone who wants to see you."

"Ah, Tolys, I forgot to wish you a happy birthday... Wait, who are you?"

"Please lead me to wherever Tolys lives now. I'll explain it on the way."

Raivis drove her home without asking ant other questions, and left soon afterwards.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Raivis lead her to the front door, having a slight suspicion about what was going on.

"Tolys! There's a woman looking for you. I'm going back, I have courses tomorrow."

He came downstairs, half surprised, half expecting her to have come.

"I'm sorry for breaking your heart… and your head… Will you ever forgive me?"

"Yes!" he said, then hugged her tightly, and spun her around when she lifted her feet.

Soon afterwards, she met his parents, and told them everything, but they knew already from what Tolys had told them. However, they were all glad that the two were able to reconcile.

Feliks and Katyusha had been dating more "officially" since that autumn, so she came to visit one day in late spring, also getting to meet his parents.

"Is this your bakery? It's gorgeous!"

"Yes." smiled the old woman.

"Imagine doing this for a living! It seems so idyllic to me…"

"Can you cook?"

"Yes."

"You can come help me bake something, if you want."

Katyusha was very excited, and so was Feliks, seeing how well she got along with his parents. She stayed there several days, sleeping alone in the guest room.

"You look nothing like your parents…" she casually commented.

"Well, they're not my biological parents…"

"… You were adopted!"

"Not officially, since you can't adopt adults… But they treat me like their son and I really love them. Dad even promised me he would leave me the bakery and the house as inheritance. I'm so happy I have a family now, after such a rough childhood…"

"I also had it quite bad. My mom divorced three or four times by the time I was eight! I got so used to moving house that I could move to the other side of the world without much stress… I did keep in touch with my dad, and I eventually forgave my mom, but I never had a normal family. I tried my best to 'raise' my younger siblings, and for a long time felt that they were the only family I'll need. Don't get my wrong, I'm happy with my life. I love my siblings. Still, I've been getting a bit lonely…"

For a moment, he was able to imagine the two of them, working together at the bakery, starting their own family or maybe adopting a child themselves, then growing old together. However, he didn't tell her, as he felt it was too soon, even if they knew each other for almost two years. She went home, and he thought very seriously about what he was going to say the next time.

Tolys and Natalya did a lot of couple therapy during the following months and they managed to clear up every misunderstanding. They eventually decided to get remarried. They set their wedding date on the same day in which their first one took place, but this time, only the closest of friends and family had been invited. She quit her job and they moved to Vilnius, living in a rented apartment, but planning to build a small house with the money they got from selling the one they had in Moscow. She saw this as a welcome change, and she enjoyed living in what she called "a small town". Instead of another honeymoon, they got to spend time with his parents, and she particularly appreciated the motherly love shown to her by his mom.

In the meantime, Feliks went to Moscow to visit Ekaterina.

"You know what I've been thinking since you came in May?"

"What?" she smiled, half expecting the answer.

"Maybe I could offer you that family you wished you had… We could work together at the bakery. We'll be around mom and dad, if you don't mind. They're the sweetest parents, but I bet they'd be even sweeter grandparents… Sorry, did I say too much?"

"No." she smiled again.

"What else can I say?..." he shrugged with a slight laugh. "I love you."

"I do, too." she said, holding his hand.

"Will you marry me?" he suddenly gained courage.

"Yes!" she said, hugging him afterwards.

"… Wait, does this mean that Tolys will be my brother-in-law?" he said in excitement.

"Yeah, but so will Ivan." she teased him, laughing as his grin faded instantly.

It was the middle of autumn and Natalya was looking absent-mindedly out the window, seeming a bit worried.

"Is there something wrong?"

She forced herself to say it, despite feeling anxious, so that they wouldn't have any more secrets.

"We're going to have a baby…"

"Isn't that good news?"

"I'm worried for two reasons. Firstly, I had lost the first one… Remember?"

He looked at her in understanding.

"And secondly, I'm scared that I'm going to be a bad mother. I was raised by a terrible woman and I'm mentally ill myself! I'm just going to ruin your and the child's life…"

"That's not true! You've been making great progress. Just the fact that you care about being a good mother tells me you're going to be one! Everything's going to be alright."

She decided to trust him when he said that. About three years passed. After having worked various jobs, they decided to start their own business, so they opened an antique shop. They did build their own house even though it costed a bit more than expected. Feliks and Katyusha had gotten married that autumn, and now they had their own family, just as they wished. This time they were the ones visiting for the family reunion, and the toddlers were already running around the room.

Natalya sat alone in her room, taking all the medications she needed to take. She wished she were able to be more excited for this family meeting, but she became overwhelmed by negative thoughts. Soon, she heard small footsteps entering the room. Two bright green eyes were staring at her.

"Do you want me to play with you?" she smiled towards her two year old boy, then she started cuddling and tickling him.

"I love you, my sweet baby!" she said then kissed his cheek. "Go play with your cousins."

"I love you, too, mommy!" he said, then went to the living room.

It was the first time she heard that from him, and it moved her to tears.

A while later, Tolys came in to check if she was feeling well.

"Can I help you with anything? Why are you crying?"

"Our little boy… He said he loved me, for the first time!"

"I'm so glad to hear that!"

"I know I should be happy… But I've been having these thoughts and I can't seem to shake them off… You see, this life I'm living right now… It's all I've ever wanted. All of my life I've wished for a loving, stable family because I've never had one when growing up, but I managed to convince myself I'll never have it. Not only that, but I kept repeating to myself that I'm just doomed to be unhappy because of my condition. Now that I have it all, it's hard for me to get rid of these thoughts I've believed for so long. I just catch myself thinking: I'm not allowed to be this happy. A mentally ill person such as myself can't be capable of maintaining simple friendships, much less a family. So now, when thinking that I already have a loving husband, and also a child, I have this feeling that, if only I closed my eyes, it would all go away!"

He sighed in understanding, then embraced her.

"You know that's not true. That's just your depression speaking."

"How are you so patient with me? You tolerate my every whim. Am I not a nuisance?"

"No! I'm patient with you because I love you."

"I love you too, my dear Tolutis…"

"… You can come downstairs whenever you feel comfortable." he said later, when exiting the room.

She sat down by herself once more and thought about her life, where she started and where she ended up, the she realized she did have a blessed life. Even though she almost ruined it once, she was forgiven and she started over. Now she had everything she had ever dreamed of. Her husband was understanding and supportive. Her child just told her that he loved her. There was a peaceful atmosphere in her house. There were people waiting for her to celebrate with them. Whatever doubt she had was only in her head. But the happiness that she had… was all real. Having calmed down, she prepared to go downstairs.

She let a few tears roll down her face, but her lips formed the sincerest smile.

~~THE END~~


End file.
